The five circles of my personal hell
We all have things that we hate. Not dislike nor disapprove, but H-A-T-E. Something we absolutely scorn, despise and loathe. Sometimes those things that we detest don’t make much sense at all why. But there is something about them that simply makes our blood boil. Here are the 5 things I can’t handle. If hell does exist, this is what would mine would look like.
Imagine: You are stuck at the Fort Lauderdale airport waiting for your plane to arrive. However, your flight keeps getting delayed indefinitely every 30 minutes. You are surrounded by loud tourists reeking of sunscreen, elevator-jazz background music, and crusty carpets. Also, did I mention you’re stuck in Florida?
But wait! Not only you’re stuck in the Fort Lauderdale airport, but you are also at a Denny’s. Why is there a Denny’s there? Who knows, but it’s my personal hell so it makes sense. My personal vendetta with this 24-hour diner chain comes from the fact that I was forced to go there every week. After Denny’s opened in Honduras that’s all my grandparents wanted to eat, so we were there every Sunday after church. I still remember how soggy the bun of my avocado sandwich was; so soggy that water came out when I squeezed it. I can still picture how I could grease all four of my tires with the pool of oil that came out of my french fries. I still shudder every time I pass by a Denny’s. My stomach produced a cry of agony as I’m writing this.
So you are stuck in a greasy-smelling Denny’s at the Fort Lauderdale airport while your flight keeps getting delayed. You haven’t reached the worst part yet because SURPRISE!!! All the waiters in the Denny’s are the Minions. Yes, the Minions from Despicable Me. I used to work as a camp assistant back in high school. The theme for the camp my third year there was the Minions. Every single activity we did had to be related to the Minions: cooking lessons, crafts, games, dances, even character education lessons. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I remember going to the movie theater to watch Citizen Kane at the same time that The Minions movie came out. I had to fight for my life to get past the sea of five-year-olds running, laughing maniacally, and screaming “BANANA!”. Those yellow Tic Tac demons haunt my dreams until this day.
After your hyperactive Minion waiter hands you a plate of raw waffles with a sea of blueberry sauce on it, you realize that there is only one song playing out of the speakers on a loop. It’s the classic 1982 one-hit-wonder “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats. I can’t handle most 80s music. My dad is a rabid 80s pop fan so I have to endure neverending streams of the nonsensical, synth-heavy song after the next. The fact that I made this song my alarm clock sound is the reason why “The Safety Dance” has made it on top of my hate list. I’m a heavy sleeper, but I hate this song so much that it wakes me up instantly. Yes, I hate myself. But it works.
Once you think it can’t get worse, oh it does. Not only is “The Safety Dance” loudly blaring out of the speakers, but it is a Peruvian Flute cover. I grew up in a mall. I would go to my dad’s store after school to study and help my parents out. It was mostly a good time besides one thing: the store was located right below the food court. There was a year when a Peruvian Flute player would come every single day to play for hours. Every. single. day. I swear that if I have to listen to another Peruvian Flute cover of “My Heart Will Go On” I will break.
Finally, you know you reached the lowest level of this hell pit when you realize that during this whole time, your time in this Minion staffed, Peruvian flute 80s soundtrack playing, airport Denny’s, has been a covert interview for a pyramid scheme all along. Get ready to sell some Herbalife, bitch.
